Always Aditya

By Bineeta Fialok

There’s a sea of torture I let myself wade through, every time I love you. Each breath drawn sends sharp needles down my throat right into my heart. The bleeding doesn’t begin and it doesn’t stop. Blood within blood, invisible, unnoticeable, its thirst insatiable. I draw the golden-black sword a hundred times a day only to put it back on and again the piercing needles come flying back, laughing mocking at me. They know the routine. The tired sigh knows just when the moment is ripe, signaling the ultimate surrender. The sweet surrender of unconditional love??? No, the bitter one of years of conditioning. And I don’t even know it as I go through the same (e)motions almost mechanically day after day after day of an unending mental struggle. The naive dreams of finding bliss look at me with reproachful eyes. I avert mine. Only if running away from them was possible but it would be like running away from myself. Suddenly, the eyebrows raise themselves; the eyes sparkle with mirth, an untold joke in their recesses. Did I say the word myself? What an ultimately disastrous joke. Myself. I can’t draw the golden-black sword out so I draw the iron one

I

I love this silence around me and yet I hate it and long for company. What do I do on these surreal nights of incoherence? Take a flight of fantasy, brood over the past or plan my future down to every mathematical detail. Oh no! What I long to do on these nights is to rush out into the silence and run as fast as I can, feeling the mint fresh air not just touching my body but passing right through it. I want to rush through these streets to an open space and run with my bare feet on the dew soaked grass. I don’t know why but I am never able to cross this stage. It seems as if heaven is just a step ahead but that one step has eluded me till now. On other days when I am standing on my terrace I feel like flapping my wings and flying away higher and higher and higher. But here I am stuck beneath you, unable to move, stifled; while I watch you enjoy yourself, out of breath with ecstasy unmindful of what is going through my mind at this juncture. Do you know you won’t be able to find me here in this bed tomorrow? What will you do then? I really have had enough of this nonsense. I can’t take it anymore. Really I tried very hard. I tried to be a good wife and a good daughter-in-law but I can’t pretend to be happy any more and if I stop pretending I won’t remain that same good wife and a good daughter-in-law anymore so I’ve decide for myself and for you too this time. It’s time for me to go. Tomorrow when you return in the evening you won’t be able to open the door without that spare key that you carry, just in case It’s time to use that spare key now

II

I can see that mocking look your eyes have behind these glasses as you say yes mam and I pity the poor woman who is bound to you for her life in the ties of holy matrimony. What’s so holy about this matrimonial alliance anyway Mr._____? Her countless karvachauths probably…